Two weeks ago . . .

Curled up on the floor of the shower, fighting off the fear and nausea, trying not to faint, I wished again that all of this could just be a BAD dream.  But, the lump in my left breast discovered the night before was very real, very large, and very scary.  Why does this sort of thing always happen over the weekend . . . when doctors are unavailable???  My grandma died of breast cancer.  If something happens to me, Bryan loses a wife and a daughter because physical custody of Ariana would revert back to “Utah Dad.”  How does all of this impact our very early pregnancy . . . FINALLY . . . after nearly a year of trying to conceive.  I’m so weak from the stomach flu and from morning sickness.  This is more than I can bear.
Monday, 2/11 . . .

Bryan and I were comforted a bit by my physician’s initial assessment, but he wanted me to get into a specialist STAT.  Later that day, after a 3-hour ordeal with a doctor specializing in “surgical diseases of the breast,” the horrible feelings of panic and despair returned–the specialist said that the mass was an “irregular shape” indicative of cancer.  She was not very optimistic.  All we could do was wait for the biopsy results which were promised by Wednesday.

Tuesday, 2/12 . . .

Lots of tears.  Lots of prayers.  Couldn’t eat.  Couldn’t sleep.  Watched several episodes of “24” (season one) that we borrowed from the library.

Wednesday, 2/13 . . .

More tears.  More prayers.  More episodes of “24.”  Still can’t eat.  About to jump out of my skin every time the phone rings.  FINALLY, at 6:30 p.m. we get the much-anticipated call from the doctor.  BENIGN Fibroadenoma!  She even discussed the results with the pathologists to get comfortable with their findings because it’s not what she expected.  But after walking through the results with them, she is confident that the diagnosis is the correct one, and I am confident that we’ve just been blessed with a miracle in our family.

Two weeks later . . .

I am a different person.  I am more patient, more kind, more understanding.  Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for my miracle . . . my reminder that life is fragile  . . . my chance to raise my family, to be a better mom/wife/friend.  As scary as it was, I pray that I may never forget this experience and hope that I may be changed forever.

. . . or at least that’s what Vivi would tell you.

She downed 1 1/2 full-size cans all by herself at lunch today!

A visitor arrived at our house, completely uninvited.  His name is “gastro-enterisits,” or at least that’s what the urgent care center called him.  I wish that he would go away, leaving us the health and peace we once enjoyed.

P.S.  Dad proved to be a hero again.  Even though he was suffering with the stomach flu, he dismantled the sink’s plumbing and found the missing tooth.  So, the tooth fairy never received this letter.  I was interested to see what his/her answers were going to be.

Happy Birthday, to YOU!

Bryan’s birthday celebration spanned from sun up to sun down this year! Our family desperately needed some recreational time together so that we could set aside the demands of Bryan’s very stressful work week/month/year, the never ending home/yard improvement projects, and the busyness of church/volunteer responsibilities. On this special day of birthday celebration and togetherness, we all dressed in Bryan’s favorite color (red) and were each allowed to select one activity.

Here’s what we came up with:

Vivi (with Bryan’s help): Dream Cafe for breakfast.

Ariana: Bowling. The first venue we went in charged a fortune, so true to our Tolbert frugality, we found a more reasonably-priced location.

Lori: $1 Movie–Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. Worth the price of admission, plus Vivian actually sat through the entire movie–a first!

Bryan: Elliot’s Hardware store, visiting a friend at the hospital, homemade white bean chicken chili and games enjoyed with friends while the girls went with Allie V to the pinewood derby. As a birthday gift, I also granted Bryan some leeway in dressing Vivi; when he put Guppy’s socks on her, I didn’t intervene.

Bryan was also the “victim” of a “heart attack.” The young women made him a cake and decorated our yard with TONS of darling paper hearts on which they had penned cute birthday messages.

Happy Birthday, BT!

Do other moms want to run away sometimes? I don’t mean the mom’s that you hear about on the evening news. I mean “normal” moms. The kind that sit next to me at church, or that I see at Target or swim practice or PTA meetings.

It’s been building for a while. It seems like I am caught in an endless cycle of laundry, cleaning up after everyone, cooking, dishes, grocery shopping, taking out the trash, sweeping crumbs up off the floor, homework help, swim team shuttle, nose wiping, bum wiping, etc., etc. And yet I look around, and I haven’t scratched the surface on things that need to get done. The Christmas tree box needs to be hauled upstairs. The ladder needs to be hauled to the garage. I’ve got paint peeling on exterior woodwork that, unless I sand it off and repaint soon, the wood will deteriorate from exposure to the elements. Cracks in the mortar need to be caulked. The garage is a disaster. Pictures need to be hung. My shower is a science experiment. I need a haircut!

Is it so incredibly selfish to want a break? To NEED a break? To want to go back to a “real” job where people actually say, “Thank you” and give you big fat paychecks and bonuses and awards? Where you feel like you are learning and growing and making a difference?

And just when I think that I might be the next featured story on the evening news, my sweet husband, who has been run absolutely ragged with work and other commitments, (though he’s so tough he’d never want me to admit that to anyone) sends me this sweet email:

While I’m sitting here thinking about you sleeping upstairs, waiting to come say good morning until I hear you stir, my heart is filled with love for you, almost to overflowing. I’m also filled with gratitude for the sacrifices you make for me and for our family. I know that our two girls will grow into wonderful ladies just like their mom, and that makes me happy. I couldn’t have written a happier story for my life.

Love, Bryan

And so my heart is softened. I step back from the ledge. I start another load of laundry . . . empty the dishwasher . . . read a story to Vivi . . . dust . . . clean the toilet . . .

To get the full effect, I recommend that you play the attached sound clip while reading this entry. (The song actually has special meaning to me because we sang it in 4th grade honor choir).

[audio:http://tolberts.org/lori/Audio/cricket.mp3]

Last night, I found our lucky little cricket after cleaning up the dinner dishes. Because I am entomophobic (I fear insects), I asked Bryan to “relocate” our new little friend.

Unfortunately, Bryan’s idea of helping me dispose of bugs is to chase me around the room with the poor critter in his hand and threaten to put it down my shirt. Luckily, at least to this point in our relationship, I’m too fast or Bryan is wisely merciful.

I was shocked when Bryan brought the bug over to Vivi and she didn’t freak out. In fact, she giggled as the little guy tickled her and jumped all over trying to get away.

Even Ariana, who was initially scared, got in on the fun.

Or at least she thought that it was fun until the cricket tried to get lucky and gave her a kiss on the nose.

Ariana FREAKED OUT and is lucky that the cricket didn’t hop in her mouth while she was SCREAMING, “It’s in my hair! It’s in my hair!”

After some reassuring hugs (but failed attempts by Bryan to get her to hold the cricket again), Ariana calmed down, and our cricket friend was lucky to be let loose in the backyard.

WHAT?NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 i was so happy when i (ariana) saw this gift.(DUMM DUMM YOU GIVE ME GUM GUM)! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEAN THIS MOVIE COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE!

Highlights of the day . . .

Vivi woke up at 12:30 a.m., and Ariana pointed her in the direction of our bedroom.  It felt so good to have her snuggle with me, and it was Christmas after all, so I rationalized that there was no harm in having her sleep in our bed just this once.  Neither Bryan nor I got much sleep, but I think that we both enjoyed the special time with Miss Vivi.

As usual, Vivi was raring to go shortly after 6 a.m.  We figured that Ariana would hear the commotion and come bounding in, but by 7 a.m. we hadn’t heard any stirrings.  So, we set Vivi loose and waited.  When nothing happened, Bryan tiptoed down the hall to check on things.  The girls were cuddling in Ariana’s bed, and Ariana was trying to convince Vivi to go back to sleep so that Santa could come.  Apparently she didn’t realize that daybreak had occurred.

After a family prayer, we descended the stairs to start the day’s celebration.  Santa had, indeed, consumed the brownies and milk, and had even penned a note of “thanks” back to Ariana.  Unfortunately, he misspelled her name and left crumbs on the floor. . . silly man!

Vivi promptly dumped out her stocking, and before we could intervene, she had polished off a Hershey’s kiss.  She was NOT HAPPY when Bryan took her chocolate away.  Like mother, like daughter!

Ariana has been playing with her Webkinz and American Girl Doll (Kit) non-stop.  When she’s not trying to take Ariana’s gifts away (Buppy! Share!), Vivi flits between dress up shoes, a toy camera, and crayons.

Bryan spent several hours with the girls in the backyard.  The weather was glorious!  I think that the wheelbarrow rides and playing in the dirt may have been the highlight of the day.

I was assured that the brown smudges on Vivi’s face were “mostly” chocolate cookie.

I had planned on making a big dinner (ham, potatoes, yams, salad, etc.) but after snacking all day, we opted to make simple quesadillas.  How’s that for a Christmas dinner???

Vivi enjoyed an early bedtime while the rest of us watched “Charlotte’s Web.”  As Ari and I cuddled on the couch, I drifted off to sleep as well–a perfect ending to a wonderful day.